Grudge match approaches

Another war of words on a popular social networking site has stoked the fire for a forthcoming grudge match.

The tie, which features world number one Josh Timlin, sees the much-loved celebrity go up against a somewhat inferior player in the form of Adam Slater, who has a world ranking of 972, one below Ben Cadman and five below Timlin's 70-year-old grandmother.

Slater, whose record consists of five wins and 634 defeats, is reportedly looking for a way out of the match, referencing a five-year-old finger injury which sometimes forces him into playing shite.

Timlin, a well-respected journalist whose empire of influence stretches from Barnsley to Holmfirth, is hoping to set the record straight after a severe bout of man flu saw him narrowly lose out in a pre-Christmas clash.

That match, played on a sub-standard table at Xscape - a favourite haunt for Castleford's delinquents - ended 10-9 in the favour of Slater, who has recently had a change of career. 

A former president of The Tony Pulis Fan Club, he's now branched out and become a full-time tea boy at a 'government' building, thought to be a strip club.

"It's a great career," Slater said. "I often make up to 100 cups of hot beverages a day and I'm an invaluable part of the company. Without me, the country simply couldn't run." 

Slater, also known as Durham's go-to rent boy, made his name at the gloomy city's university befriending its notorious BDSM expert, Dr Taheri. Little else is known about the 25-year-old, who has been dubbed the 'Pollington Prick' by his ardent following of two fans. Only one of the duo, someone referred to as 'Plastic Josh', showed up to support Slater at the heated pre-match press conference.

"I'll admit it: Josh is by far the superior player," he added. "He owns the greatest hot hatch ever made and subsequently makes players feel like they're insignificant when he's on his usual form. I admire his journalism, too. He's achieved a lot for a young man and I only hope he signs an autograph for me on Friday so I can show it to David Cameron, who I help run the country on a daily basis."

Slater's mood then took a turn for the worse when a journalist brought up his infamous 2007 car accident, when he reversed into an elderly woman's wall and smashed it to pieces before having to be rescued by his three passengers. One of them, hit-and-hope merchant Mr Cadman, tried selling a story about the incident but the media refused due to Slater's lack of celebrity status.

Timlin, looking superlative in a pair of Paul Smith suedes, was nonplussed by his opponent's unquestionable mental breakdown.

"I pity Adam," he said. "He's deluded and appears to be quite disturbed - I think it stems from the time when I bowled him out in Mr Hudson's PE class in year nine. The lad's never recovered. To be fair it was an amazing bowl of about 95mph. Even Brett Lee would have struggled and he's Barnsley Cricket Club's best-ever batsman."

The five-time BBC Sports Personality of the Year winner, whose audience broke the 400,000 barrier for a fifth time last month, returns to TV screens on Friday at 7pm.

A spokesman from Xscape added: "Our tables are notoriously wank so Adam knows that he stands the best chance of keeping Josh close due to the pockets' size, which are 15 inches wide, meaning even Ben Cadman could pull off a seven-baller.

"It's a tough one. Josh is handsome, adored by the masses and his extraordinary car is ace so he's always welcome. It's one of just 500 made in the world and it's simply staggering to drive. There's always a legion of screaming birds outside when they know he's playing. Adam on the other hand has washed his car twice in several years. Quite frankly that's an embarrassment so we're reluctant to let him come in."